5. The games we play

Preludes to Nothing 

“Contexts …"

―Chapter 1.

We Australians play games.

"Well, so what? Who doesn't?"

Agreed. But this book is about Australia, not England, Japan or the moon. And further, it's book policy for reasons I'll probably never explain that if it happens to mention some feature or other of our histories and cultures, it's not going to feel morally compelled to acknowledge some other land that might have that thing too. If the only reason we have a great coffee culture here in Melbourne is because Italy has one too and the Italians brought that here, then good for them! They should write a book about that.

And in the same vein, if I want to note for the record some of the games we Australians play, I don't really care if people play those same games everywhere on the planet and always have. We play them here, this book is about here, so I'll refer to them as "the games we Australians play" even though yes, most of these games we play are played by all humans and a lot of them are played by a lot of other species, too!

The games we Australians play.

Well, we have the footy in winter and the cricket in summer, of course.

But we play other games too. Mind games, for example. And with those we take our inspiration from sport and codify "laws of the game" for whatever particular mind game we are playing on a given Saturday morning before heading off to the footy.

And I have to say that I rather get a different kick out of our mind games than I get out of our sporting games. Because more often than not, when I'm sitting in the stands watching a mind game, one team is playing cricket and the other team is playing football. And it gets even more different when each teams insists that its opponent must follow the other set of laws. Because while I grant I'm yet to see anyone kick a goal with a cricket ball from fifty metres out, I'm happy to bet that when I do, I'm going to see some pain.

More about all this some other day. I reckon it's got legs. And as I now scan this chapter I've just written, I'm thinking that as this book unravels, I'm looking forward also to exploring our rich tradition of "the generalisation". "Australians love going to the beach", "this demographic over here is good and that one over there is bad", "that culture over there is rich and beautiful and this one over here is footy in winter and the cricket in summer" and "there's a country club I know that's full of old and pasty pink men with freckles". Yes, the histories and cultures of Australia and the games we play. We're in for a fun ride, so strap yourself in!

4. A few big firsts

Preludes to Nothing 

“Ah yes, women. And football. I'll choose one of those for our next chapter. Whichever is the easiest, I think would be best."

―Chapter 3

The footy.

All right then. It just so happens that there was a big game here in Melbourne last night between what I think might be the two oldest clubs in professional or major league football worldwide? Counting in all codes of football? And those two teams were, and are, Melbourne and Geelong.

And I think that's really something. A big first, as it were. Because very few countries in the world even have an indigenous game of football let alone one that is such a big deal as Aussie Rules is here.

And what is it about us that got us inventing our own game of football when nearly everyone else seems happy to play one of England's? No idea. And I'm not going to bother trying to figure it out, either. Because I'm happy enough to just enjoy our game for what it is. Which is the best game in the world.

What's that? Quality is a democracy and soccer's played all over the world?

Oh all right then, fair enough. I can live with that. Because I'm a Catholic, and we're all over the world too.

Afterthought. I should have started with women instead.

Because if I had, I could have started this chapter with an even bigger first on our part. Perhaps the biggest first since Eve offered Adam an apple and Adam got the wrong idea.

Being, if I've got my language right, that first Adelaide and then a newly minted Commonwealth of Australia seem to have been the first societies ever on this planet to grant women the right to both vote and stand for election.

And finally for now, our White Australia Policy.

Was that a first on our part, of sorts? In the way we formalised that? Again, no idea. But it's a really interesting topic, I think. And one that we'll come back to if, if I remember to. For example I'm not sure that:

• Back in 1901 its authors were thinking much about skin colour (I'm pretty sure it mostly about keeping out the Chinese, and the Chinese to my eye are pretty much as white as we Euros are); or that
• If I were to travel back in time to 1901 that back then in time I would be entirely against it even if I was indigenous, let alone if I was Anglo or a Celt or whatever it is that I am.

But, as I suggest, that's all something to be thought about in more depth some another day.

3. A few big fibs

Preludes to Nothing 

“I forgot. Aussie Rules footballers include women, now."

―Chapter 1

I didn't really forget.

My daughter and three of my nieces-to-pieces, after all, play Aussie Rules.

So why did I fib?

Well, the title of this book is "A thief's guide to the histories and cultures of Australia". And all dogs are chihuahuas and to lie is to thieve. And give that I'm the book's author, that makes me a dog and a thief and a sophist and a liar, if I've got my Aristotle straight.

What?

Don't worry. That made no sense to me, either.

In fact, there's a lot about the world that doesn't make sense to me. Which is a point I think I need to be make nice and early in a book about the histories and cultures of Australia.

And now, with that said and without further ado, I would rather suddenly like to recommend that you dump this book and read something written by a professional instead. By an academic, preferably. But really, anyone who tells the truth and is sure about that just has to be better than someone who seems happy to admit he lies, don't you think?

Case in point, my other daughter has a humanities teacher who knows what's what when it comes to Australia. And from him she has come home with the idea that her teacher thinks that:

• Secularism is about being nice to people, that what we are doing to the refugees isn't very nice and that as a consequence of that we're not as fancy pants secular as we think we are; and that
• Terra Nullius was a declaration that aborigines are flora and fauna.

She could have read him wrong, of course. She's in only Year 7 and these concepts are rather Year 11 or 12, I would think. But either way, like I said, don't listen to me. Because as far as I know there are ways to be secular and not nice at all. And Terra Nullius over the last few years at least struck me as a device one mob of humans came up with to thieve land off another mob of humans and still lie straight in bed. Nothing much to do with flora and fauna at all.

Right. That's got rid of all the riff raff. It's back to just you and me again.

And what were we talking about? Ah yes, women. And football. I'll choose one of those for my next chapter. Whichever is the easiest, I think would be best.

2. Peace, love and I hope you enjoy the book

Preludes to Nothing 

“Because our books ... rise or fall depending on how good we can be at escaping our own contexts."

―Chapter 1

Some seagulls live on Hamilton Island and some live at the Epping tip. Barry's characters get to score a touch up from Sir Thomas Sean and ours get to write books.

***

I would like to now introduce ourselves starting with Richard.

Richard was never a success. Because it's hard to keep a straight face when you are describing yourself as "omnivorous". But we got a book out of him, so he wasn't a total write-off.

Next came Charlie. Charlie Thredbo.

From Charlie I learned one interesting thing. I don't know much about how the brain works, but perhaps analogous to learning a new language and then one day realising that you've started thinking in it as well, at some point while I was doing Charlie I found myself thinking like him.

But, Charlie had a social conscience, so he was unsustainable in the long term. I'm amazed he lasted a whole year.

***

And then along came Giddy. Gideon Sporty Monk aka the Mufti. Giddy came along over lunch with my goddaughter as a joke. The details of that joke and a certain bet that went with it are outside our scope, but for the purposes of this book let me just say that with Giddy we got there. Which explains why I look so fine these days. Caprice, leather.

But then, the curve ball. Giddy turned out to be no good at writing books. He was too busy stealing glimpses of himself in shop windows and dropping into cafés ordering almond lattes and chatting up the waiters.

And yet I can't kill Giddy off, either. Because he's the only thing stopping me jumping back on the cheap casks of wine and sitting outside Coles with a few coins in the bottom of a coffee cup. And people bringing me food and bugging me with love talk instead of dropping a dollar in my cup.

And so, I've decided to write this one myself. My name is Danny Raime. Peace, love and I hope you enjoy the book.

1. Doing a Barry

Preludes to Nothing 

“You mustn't judge Australia by the Australians.”

―Dame Edna Everage

Do we even need another book on the histories and cultures of Australia?

Well, no. We don't. And we especially don't need another one from the likes of me, a Jesus-loving hello boys rock star from outer space with high hair.

Just kidding. I'm not really Richard. Although I once was, for a while. In the tradition of Doing a Barry.

As a tradition, Doing a Barry is uniquely Australian. Can you imagine an Englishman in a dress?

And it's also about being a beautiful soul of the 21st century enlightenment who's prepared to walk a mile in another man's stilettos.

Come to Australia and you'll see it everywhere. And not just in parliament. Drop in on any end-of-season piss-up in any small country town and if you've got your trousers on you'll find yourself the odd man out. Because when those boys hit the bathroom before a big night, their wives don't get a look-in.

Which brings us to this book.

Because to get a gig as a contributor on any of our books on the histories and cultures of the world, skills and experience in Doing a Barry are essential. In other words, if you cannot get yourself into characters as far apart on our cultural spectrum as are our Tony "Borders" Abbott ...

... and our Clementine "No" Ford ...

... then we can't use you. Because our books are about histories and cultures in the plural, not the singular. And they rise or fall depending on how good we can be at escaping our own contexts.

So, love or leave "that", girls!

Oh.

I cracked that joke just now to set myself up for some image or other of Aussie Rules footballers dressed as women. And then I entered into my browser the text "Aussie Rules footballers dressed as women" and ... oops! I forgot. Aussie Rules footballers include women, now.

And with that and various other cultural features we boast here in Oz already hinted at, we are off and running on the histories and cultures of … Australia. G'day.

We actually do say "g'day" sometimes. But more and more as we go along I'm hearing people say "hey" instead. Like Americans.